Sometimes I feel like I use my toughness as a defense mechanism so often that when something causes my emotions to stir up, it hits me even harder. I think I forget that I am only human and it’s ok for me to FEEL every once in awhile, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I really try not to let people see when and how things affect me. Last night, while at happy hour with a girl friend of mine, I received a message, and for some reason tears slowly started to build up in my eyes. Someone that I was looking forward to seeing later on in the evening had something come up and had to cancel. Sure, this happens all the time with other people and I never really care; in fact, sometimes I like when plans get cancelled because it gives me more free time. But this time was different. I can’t lie, I was super excited all day, so anxious (and a little nervous) to see him; put one of my favorite pretty summer dresses on, did my hair nice and everything (after I told him that, he told me I always make him feel bad—that wasn’t my intention, it never is, but I couldn’t lie and pretend like I was alright…not this time). A part of me had already put the idea in my head from the beginning that us getting together probably wouldn’t happen (I hate to do that, but I’m one of those people that prepares for the worst instead of expecting the best—bad habit….sometimes.) but as the day went on, I thought, for once, that maybe my negative intuition was wrong. It wasn’t. Of course, I wasn’t really mad, things come up, and that’s ok (the reason was good, so no biggie). But I feel like a part of me was more upset than I’d usually be and I know that that feeling only comes when it’s someone you really want to see. I am afraid that because I have been waiting to see this person for so long, when I finally do, it won’t be the same as I want it to be. That kind of upsets me, but timing is everything, and right now it is just not in our corner. When he offered an alternative time to meet, I was ready to cancel my plans for tonight, even take a half day at work just to see him…and then I called my mom. Of course, Suzy smacked some sense into me. Why would I do all of that? Cancel on someone who I have cancelled with on the past 2 occasions? That’s rude and to be honest, I really didn’t feel like doing that because then, yet again, it’s not fair to anyone except the person that I cancelled for. I think my mom stressed that sometimes things either happen or DON’T happen for a reason. There’s no sense to cry or be upset, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to. At that point, I was fine. Emotions released; no longer upset, angry, defeated. I was able to go home and relax a little bit, that felt wonderful.
When I got home, I took a picture of myself in that dress….thought of sending it to him so he could see how beautiful I looked. I deleted it instead.