We Play Games…The Blame Game Is Our Favorite…
What’s his deal??? I ask myself this question about him everyday….because I can’t help but to think of him more than just occasionally. Well…let’s see… Aside from a baby mama situation that I am aware of but have never asked about (nothing about it screams dramatic ex, that ain’t his steelo) and a failed relationship attempt with someone who clearly fucked him up emotionally and mentally, he’s pretty stable. Although these things are probably what have fucked it up for any female in his near future, it doesn’t seem to be the only road barrier on my journey.
His role as a determined, hard-working, new business owner is also something that keeps him pre-occupied and traveling all over the place. It crazy because all of the things I want in a man I see traces of in him, but those things are exactly what makes this not work….borderline impossible. Anyway, I can’t lie. I def think his drive and determination to further his success are two of his strongest qualities (Ivy league educated, athletic, and cute aren’t bad runners up either) and, as crazy as this sounds, I’m low key very proud of him. Just in the brief time I have known him, I can definitely see his developments and I am impressed. He is gonna make his mark on the world and I’d love for him to take me under his wing at some point, so I could thrive, from a business perspective. I think our qualities could mesh well and be good for business. But I digress…point is, he’s one busy nigga…
It’s crazy when you get that feeling like you WANT to learn more about a person. I have an inherent interest in him and I don’t even know why. Maybe because he’s such a mystery and I’m so used to being able to solve any puzzle. Based on his relationship history and his work schedule, we appear to be doomed if we decided to take that path. However, I sometimes wonder if maybe a connection is buried underneath all of this mess and that the timing is simply off. I mean…c’mon…I’m cool, pretty, smart, and pretty damn funny, what’s not to love?! Not to mention he sometimes asks and inquires about my travels and these “boos” I have. Interest in things like that lead me to believe that he may have a little love for me deep down and maybe a little jealousy is needed to keep things healthy. It’s crazy cause I don’t even have boos like that anymore…I’ve been focused on other things…and maybe just waiting for the right one to monopolize some of my time. I fear that he exaggerates me and my actions in his mind, due to the past, and of course me trying to take jabs at him doesn’t help my cause. Even though I may not be with a guy that I have emotional or physical stake in, I might put a spin on it to him and sice it up because a part of me doesn’t want him to think getting me would be easy (or that I’m just waiting at home for my phone to ring) but this same spin also probably signals to him that I’m not interested in him or a monogamous relationship while simultaneously making him uninterested in me. Catch 22.
I always advise other people to ditch the games but I guess I play them too. Being 100% honest with him would probably leave me with egg on my face and I’m afraid of that, and I’m not sure that’s even what I want. I kind of like playing the game and trying to read him; it keeps me interested. It kills me because I HATE thinking about him…with a passion…like “why should I be thinking about him when he’s probably not thinking about me”…fuck that. I’m such a stubborn son of a bitch I swear.
I occasionally wonder what would happen if we would get together. I sometimes think we’d be better off working together than romantically involved because our personalities are too strong. I laugh at the thought of us together because we’d probably just bicker about EVERYTHING. I’d hate to see him win…when he’s facing me, that is. But the flipside is that I know if he was my man he would keep me in line and focused. Not to mention he could hold my interest while also treating me well… His heart’s big but it beats quiet, just like mine.
Such a quandary. Gotta just ride the wave and take it a day at a time, who’s trying to rush it really? I think IF this is supposed to mature into something else, it will. For now I’ll just get my jabs in where I can (thats always entertaining) and continue to let him take his, even though I always take them personal (yup, spoiled brat). I’m still trying to figure out if I even want to develop these thoughts into feelings for him (I kinda enjoy the carefree love/hate friendship thing we have going on…its fun, no pressure and probably for the best), let alone put them out there….maybe I just feel this way because I can’t have him, for whatever reason(s) and feel in a way rejected (such an ego thing)….deep down, do I really just want to win the battle?….I don’t even think it’s about winning….I just know that I don’t want to lose.