How exactly was I feeling? Alienated. While he continued to use his busy schedule as his excuse, I couldn’t help but provide tens of examples of just how he could still make this work despite the schedule issue. He didn’t want to listen, and at that point I realized that I have always done what I could and made an effort, and that was just beyond his desire at this time. You cannot force someone to take the time to be attentive to you, and it was pretty hurtful for me to continue to put myself out there to him and him not respond to that. Needless to say, the phone conversation basically ended up with us not agreeing on anything. He made it clear to me that this wasn’t something he cared enough about to put the kind of effort into that I desired.
There can be many lessons taken away from this. First off, silence speaks volumes. The fact that he had nothing to say to me while I was gushing my feelings let me know that maybe he just isn’t on the same page as I am. Not like he meant to be malicious, because I know he wasn’t, but I shouldn’t have to ask you to do the little things…and when I finally asked him about why he hadn’t taken action, he had nothing to say but “It’s nothing personal…I like you and you’re cool but…”. Second of all, you need to keep it a hundred and communicate at all times. Not for nothing, but I’m no mushy chick… I never would have thought we were moving in a positive direction if it weren’t for some of his words and actions when we were together. How could I NOT take it personal? If he was purely too busy and not in a place to get involved with someone, than just tell me… stop being selfish and trying to have your cake and eat it too. And finally, I reinforced one of life’s long lessons… If you truly care about someone, you will go out of your way for him or her. Unfortunately, I cared enough to go out of my way, but he didn’t. You live and you learn.
At the end of the day, I have to keep it moving, right? I mean as much as I like him, I have to admit that maybe things just weren’t meant to be. It is now Monday…as of this Thursday it will be one week since our conversation. He has until then to squash the ego trip and tell me he’s sorry if he hurt me, he misses me, and that he will do better. That’s all I want. I can move passed this and go back to how things were, but only if I know he is going to make an effort to ensure that I’m good. If not, hopefully we can be friends; I’d hate to lose someone so positive and fun over a relationship that had bad timing. I’m grown, and I will reach out to him Thursday if I don’t hear from him… If he’s smart, he will swallow his pride, realize he fucked up a good thing with someone who cares about him, and just grow from it.
Moral of the story? Don’t forget to acknowledge your feelings, folks. You can’t expect someone to be real with you if you can’t be real with yourself.