DANGER!! (S)He Smashed The Homies?!
“Fellas if you been dating a lady for awhile and found out she’s sexually been with a couple of guys you know beforehand, does that deter you from wifing her?”
*rubs hands together* Where do I start? Now as you can imagine, I am a borderline feminist with a nigga mentality so this topic sometimes boils my blood. Reason being that there is such a huge double standard in these types of situations because if I posed the same question, people would probably look at me like I was crazy.
Anyway… Let me first say that THE WORLD IS TOO SMALL for people to think that their partner (or in this case, potential partner) hasn’t come into contact with AT LEAST 1 person they know. Of course, there are different degrees of “contact” that they could have had with your “friend”, but I have found that no matter where in the country I am or what I am doing, I run into someone that I either knew earlier in life or have some weird six degrees (or less) of separation from.
Next…. Who do you consider your inner circle of friends? If you are going to be picky on who your potential partner has slept with, first of all you need to define who falls into the category of “off limits”. For me, I have about a handful of female friends that would fall into my inner circle, even though the odds of them having slept with my mate would be ZERO (usually because we have completely opposite tastes in men). HOWEVER, if I knew my booboo slept with certain female acquaintances of mine that are not necessarily close friends (or even really “friends” at all), I would have to cut him off. You have to be realistic. You cannot place every acquaintance you know in the “off-limits” box because you will end up alone, especially if you fall into the athlete/entertainer/celebrity category… You already know too many fucking people, so stop being over dramatic and keep the list manageable. Obvi, as a rule of thumb: any smashing of the best friends is an immediate deal breaker. No questions asked.
Then comes the concepts of time and severity. If you are on the verge of getting serious with someone you are dating, then find out he/she has slept with someone you deem too close for comfort, I encourage you to take a step back and analyze the situation before your call it quits. How much time has passed since their little rendezvous? Was it indeed JUST a little rendezvous? These questions are very important. For me, if five years ago you had a one night stand with a chick I may know/might not be that close to, then I don’t really see a problem with it. But as the time span decreases and the severity of your interaction increases, we may have a problem. At this age, a couple of years can feel like a lifetime. People change, particularly since their wild college years, and just because you hooked up with someone back then, that same hook-up doesn’t carry the same weight in the present day as it once did. These are things you really have to consider.
What if you and your partner are madly in love and you find out something (or in this case, someone) about their past that makes you weary about your future? I would first ask you to consider how big of a deal it really is. If you REALLY cannot overlook it, than fine. But before you do, think about how willing are you to give up the love of your life over some hook-up that happened years before the two of you even met (especially if your boo and so-called “friend” knew each other first—how mad can you be)? It’s very hard, considering all the time and emotion you put in with this person, to just throw them away over something like this. People do change and everyone has those sexual conquests that they regret and label as mistakes. It’s all relative.
Side note: everyday, we see celebrities like Kim Kardashian that have notably slept with numerous famous athletes/entertainers. While all of these partners might not be the best of friends, knowing that your mate’s sexual history is public knowledge, and that she has technically slept with your “coworkers” would be a huge deal breaker for me. But even SHE found love, didn’t she? Well…. Ok, semi-bad example. Eek.
Anyway. Life’s double standard still holds true. Whereas a female’s promiscuity makes her un-wifeable, men would be sick at the thought of their lady-love dumping them for being just as equal a man-whore as he has labeled her. I would do my best to make exceptions if the person I was making the exceptions for was WORTH it. I personally could deal with my man having slept with someone whom I know (say, in the next circle of females outside my inner circle) rather than knowing he was at one time a major player that has fucked hundreds of females whom I DO NOT know. I guess its all about your comfort level.
Just go with your gut. If it feels too close to home, then it probably is. If you are nit-picking to find an excuse, or what you deem to be a “valuable reason”, to halt production with this person, then the two of you were never meant to be together in the first place. And in all honesty, if you get to this point, then there are probably some insecurities you have of yourself… maybe you are guilty of the same erratic behavior and are using this as a way to not draw attention to your own faults. If you love him/her, then love them and let be…or risk being alone forever.