Change Is Good…

Posted Jul 16, 2010 by Freshhh in All Articles

What an eventful three days. I’ve literally torn myself down daily in hopes of finding out what has really been the issue. I finally had a heart-to-heart with my mom this morning on my way to work and she always finds a way to keep it a hundred with me while also remaining on my team. Love her for that. Of course, she reaffirmed that I am pretty, young, fun to be around, and bound to be successful. However, when I really began to tell her what it was that was bothering me, I realized (more than ever) that I am truly my mother’s daughter. I have a lot built up inside and as it all came rolling out, tears and all, my mother disclosed that she is going through a lot of the same things. We put these walls up and, as she so perfectly stated, “we want to be alone, but never want to be lonely”. We vowed that we would try to mend a couple of the friendships that we severed a while ago with long-time friends because they did things to hurt us. It is very hard to swallow your pride, or even have to admit that you have been hurt by someone or something. I get this strength from her. As stubborn and tough as we seem, we are hurt and deeply affected by a lot of the things that happen to us, whether we show it or not.

I feel so stagnant in where I am. I don’t think I’ve ever NOT been happy. My mom, of course, told me that I have nothing to be unhappy about, and things could be worse. But I think it is hard for her to understand all the time. I know she doesn’t want to ever hear me upset, and the things I am upset about seem menial compared to real problems, but at least she still listens and I need that. More than ever. I’m glad she understands me and I wish more people did. As much as I try to be myself, I think people take what they see initially too seriously. Although I do have an outgoing personality and love to be social and engage in new friendships with people, I more so enjoy laying low and relaxing with people I can really open up with. I often times feel so judged, especially by men. Of course, I could care less about the ones that I wouldn’t ever consider dating, but the ones that I actually like…they see how I am initially (and how much attention I receive, solicited or not) and never really take the time (or feel they WANT to take the time) to get to know the person deep down that I know they’d love; they probably don’t think it’s worth it or maybe it’s not what they are looking for. With that being said, I think a lot of things are going to have to change. It’s hard to try and change certain things while remaining true to myself, but I want and need people’s initial opinions to change or else I’ll be alone a lot longer than I want….and believe me, I’m already starting to think this single shit is overrated.

Anyway, I am learning…slowly but surely. Can’t always over-think things. I just wish I could just tell everyone exactly how I feel but I don’t think it’d be worth it. Sometimes you just know when your efforts wouldn’t be appreciated and I think that’s part of the problem. I have somehow begun to surround myself with people that I know aren’t good for me, particularly men that I would think to pursue. I hate liking someone and feeling like my attraction to them annoys them. I can refocus my efforts easily, or at least attempt to. It’s time to re-evaluate a lot of things…. Wish me luck…

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