Can’t Fit A Square Peg Into A Round Hole…
They say within the first fifteen minutes of meeting a man, we females possess the ability to automatically place him in one of three categories: the friend zone, potential lover, or true love. With the world being what it is nowadays, I personally add a fourth category, a business category, to the mix because there are definitely some men that I meet that I can only think to do business with. Overall though, I agree with this theory because I, without fail, get “the feeling” around every man when I first meet them.
However, “they” also claim that extended periods of time with someone can change that initial feeling you received, but truthfully….. it doesn’t. No matter how you try to twist it. Your gut reaction, maybe for reasons you cannot explain, was what it was for a reason. I think many people try to ignore this because they want to see or believe someone to fill a role in their lives and having a gut feeling tell you NO (with red flags and whistles blaring) is just a pain in the ass. But over the years I have learned that you simply cannot force real love, no matter how ideal your friend zone inhabitants look on paper.
On my never ending quest for love (this life-long, ridiculously stressful, seemingly impossible journey), I currently battle with trying to twist two men (one in the friend zone and one strictly lover) into potential boo material. The only problem is….IT DOESN’T WORK…and I often find myself as frustrated as I was as a child trying to force that square block into the hole perfectly made for the circular block.
My current situation presents me with these two awesome men. Both look incredible on paper, are financially stable, fun to be around, and by any means attractive. The first one has been in the friend zone for awhile now, and aside from ONE drunken make-out session, I have kept him in this role despite his proclaimed love for me. I often attempt to laugh at or brush off his advances and, to be honest, I don’t know why. I think physically there’s something that isn’t there for me…amongst some other small “deal-breaker” type things, which wouldn’t matter if he were the one… but he’s not.
Now the other man is equally as qualified, except for the fact that we are just friends that have great sex regularly, no proclaimed love from either of us to the other. Our relationship is right up my alley… until I feel like I have found my next boyfriend, I might as well have access to plenty of wonderful physical stimulation…right?! Besides, it’s nice to be able to have a great friendship with someone, reap some incredible benefits, and not have to deal with the hassle that comes along with being attached to someone all the time.
The other day I got to thinking….maybe I can try to ease both of these men out of their respective categories and slowly transition them into boo material. However, this is easier said than done. I found that it would definitely be easier to mold the lover into love because physically, it’s there. Despite what anyone says, sex is HUGE in a relationship and if you are not on the same page as your significant other, many other mental and emotional issues, not to mention cheating, are bound to occur. Not only that, but in my case, for me to experience any physical pleasure, I need to also be mentally stimulated. So what’s the problem?! It seems like mental and physical pleasure could potentially lead to a new boyfriend for me, right?? WRONG. Problem is, it wouldn’t ever work because we have only ever been involved together under that dynamic. I have been almost programmed to remove my feelings from the situation, and as much love as I have for him, I am aware—maybe TOO aware—of his sexual nature and the fact that I am not the only one; this is something I have accepted and have never had a problem with since I have always been on the same shit. In my mind, it’s hard to see us changing our relationship… more importantly, I find that I ask myself questions like “can he ever see me like that?”, “How do I find out/ when will I know if he does?”, “What are the signs he will give off?”, etc. These questions have led me to shelf the idea of anything different from what we already have ever working.
As for the other “friend”, I find that it’s more than us just agreeing to not fuck other people. That’s because we aren’t even fucking! Trying to love this man or allow him to love me (he claims I should “let him love me”) is harder than the aforementioned situation because physically I’m not feeling it. If I cannot see myself being physically uninhibited with you, then it just wont ever work, and I find that usually it’s me not feeling to be in a relationship even though it’s open for me to do so and I’d be treated well. I wish I could just succumb to him and allow myself to let go of everything else, but at the end of the day, I feel as though I would be settling for someone just because I wanted to feel loved, and it’s not worth it.
After assessing where I stand with both of these men, I realized that they don’t belong in any category other than the one they are currently….and were initially… placed in. Attempting to switch their roles after all this time has proven to be a complete failure for all of the obvious reasons. I thought that perhaps approaching future lovers in more of a relationship manner would leave room for there to be advancement in the future, but how can I worry about the future if the present feeling is not conducive to any of that.
I have learned that people are brought into your life to fill a specific void you have. Sometimes it seems like they can wear various hats in your life (i.e. lover and boyfriend), but in reality they can only help you recognize the things you will need to look for in someone new along your quest. Everyone works best when they know their role and play their part. Besides, who wants to force the square into the circle?? Not only does it sound impossible, but heaven forbid it get stuck….you’re FUCKED.