10 Unhealthy Dating Patterns & How To Break Them (According to ME)

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Posted Jan 19, 2012 by Freshhh in All Articles

Since I never remain on task at work for extended periods of time, it should come as no surprise that I was web-surfing and stumbled upon an article that was screaming my name. Entitled “10 Unhealthy Dating Patterns & How To Break Them”, this article details some dating habits we are ALL guilty of and attempts to give advice on how to break them. Well, the 10 patterns I do agree with, however their explanations and advice suck, but that’s where I come in…

1) Getting Lost In Fantasy:  *raises hand* Guilty. I have definitely gotten tied up in the thought of a successful relationship with someone… and boy, was that a mistake. Fantasies are for little girls playing dress-up with their dolls. Don’t fall victim and sell yourself a dream that that fool ain’t even sellin’. You have to remain realistic (yet not pessimistic) and remember that disappointment is usually the end result when you place a man on a pedestal and live in a fantasy world.

2) Being Involved With Unavailable Men: *hand still raised* Story of my life!! It seems that 95% of the men that hit on me are married or involved in serious relationships (usually with women I know… and they know that I know…but that’s a whole ‘nother story). Why the hell you’re hollering at women who KNOW you’re involved with someone is beyond me, but the fact that woman bite the bait anyway is really the problem. Stop believing the spiel ladies… when a man tells you he is married but only “together for the kids” or “but she doesn’t understand me” etc. it’s all some bullshit. Even if it’s true, they need to worry about fixing their relationship or get out of it before trying to drag you into some business to which you do not belong. Also, remember that a man can be “single” yet still emotionally unavailable. These men are even more deceiving because you truly won’t realize how much of a mistake getting involved with them is until you are 6 months in and they are still harboring feelings (good or bad) for their ex. Trust me. Been there, wasted 2 years of my life with that fool!

3) Chasing Guys And Trying To Manipulate Them To Ask You Out: Girl, you know you guilty. Once you hear that the man you’re crushing on is going to be hosting an event in your hood, you make sure you’re there and make sure you’re seen. Acting disinterested until he gives you the eye or shows some type of interest in you. Reverse psychology like a mutha fucka. Like nigga, yea I like you, but Imma make you like me first. We need to quit this shit. Starting a relationship off by playing games isn’t smart. Especially because the man you think you’re fooling has you all figured out by the time he sees you at the fourth event in a week. The world is small, but not small enough for you to not look like a stalker. Manipulating someone into taking you out is lame; if you have to run schemes to get them, lord knows what you will have to come up with to keep him.

4) Mistaking Instant Emotional Intensity and Physical Attraction For A Soul Mate Connection:  Ahhh, if only those initial butterflies weren’t out to getchu! Not saying that those first sparks you get when you meet someone won’t solidify into something real, but it would be wise for you to investigate further. Don’t take those emotions and just run with them without getting to know the person first. Anyone can fall into lust instantly (and most of us do), but it takes time for that attraction to form into something more substantial. Don’t get caught up too fast, things aren’t always as good as they appear at first!!

5) Bonding Over Wounds And Wanting To Heal Each Other: What’s worse than being someone else’s rebound? Using them as your rebound in return. What kind of emotional rollercoaster are y’all riding on?! You may feel like you two have a lot in common based on your past relationship experiences/recent heartbreaks, but this union is a train-wreck waiting to happen. Drawing comfort in someone new can be a wonderful thing, but you both need to fully heal before getting involved with each other. Because best believe the second y’all ain’t in heartbreak city anymore, you might find you don’t have as much in common as you once thought you did. Misery loves company.

6) Dating Men Who Are Successful In Your Field Instead Of Pursuing Your Own Career Success: How many times do you have to be told to keep business and pleasure separated? Dating someone who holds a higher position in your field of interest is NOT a good way to get into the industry. In fact, it’s the best way to hinder your progress; after all, you’re still in competition with them. Your mate can’t just hook you up and make you a heavy hitter in the industry just because you two are dating, and trust me when I tell you that they won’t be hindering their own progress for your benefit. They will probably be so focused on their own advancement that your career and even your relationship with them may have to take a backseat. DO YOU and stay on your own grind, it will pay off and then y’all can get involved without having to worry about a business conflict of interest.

7) Seeking Approval And Validation: We all have that one person we “date” every now and again because they provide us with the approval and self-validation that we need. Who doesn’t want to be put on a pedestal? I know I sure as hell do, but that cannot be the only reason you are interested in being involved with this person. Make sure there are deep rooted feelings and commonalities between the two of you first. Once you confirm that there really is a reason the two of you should be together then you can make sure they put you on that pedestal and become your biggest fan… to which you will return the favor. Dontchu be selfish!

8) Becoming A Nervous Wreck Waiting For A Guy To Call/Text/Email: You should all know by now that men have THEE worst communication patterns everrr. We get all bent out of shape when we text someone and they either don’t hit us back instantly or if when they do, it’s not what we want to hear/ one of those one-word texts to which you cannot formulate a response. As frustrating as it may be, you have to go on about your business and just know deep down that he is thinking about you and will get in touch in his own way at his own pace! You can’t watch water boil. Put the phone down, sign off your email and calm the fuck down.

9) Losing Interest In Your Life And Focusing On The Guy: This is the one relationship pattern I can proudly say I have NEVER engaged in. My life and friends have always come first (which may be the reason I am single…) and that’s how it should be. Dropping your life in order to be overly absorbed in your man/relationship should be a crime. You cannot believe how many times I have seen ladies alter their lives to revolve around a man and lose their close friends in the process. By not maintaining your own friendships and lifestyle, you put all your eggs in one relationship basket that will most likely break and leave you with egg on everything. You have to make sure you continue to nurture all of your relationships because if you don’t, you won’t have friends around post-break-up to listen to you bitch and moan.

10) Having Brief, Chaotic Relationships Followed By Long Periods Of Isolation: We all do this. Dwelling on things, that seem more tumultuous than they really are, after some little relationship ends. We spend more time dissecting the relationship in some kind of post-game analysis than the relationship itself even lasted. And to make matters worse, we, as females, end up in this shitty cycle all alone; he ain’t worried aboutchu!  So stop giving things more attention than they need or deserve and learn to find solace in closure. Stay cordial with the ex and keep it moving.

We are all guilty of some/most of these dating patterns, but it is important to remember that they are truly unhealthy and we must learn to work towards releasing them gradually. Make your best attempt to date in a balanced way, without losing yourself, if you want to get rid of these habits and begin a cycle of healthy relationship patterns. Don’t beat yourself up though, it will take some time, and that’s more than OK.

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Freshhh

You wanna talk? I'll tell you all you need to know... as real as it can get.

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